The Zeller Zakon: June 23, 2020


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We are all attracted to, as well as turned off by, various things about other people. And the things that stand out the most to us are the things that remind us the most of ourselves.  This is because other people are like mirrors for us:  if somebody bugs you, you are projecting onto them something that you don’t like about yourself, and if they’re awesome, they’re reflecting back something that you see in yourself that you like (even if it’s not developed in you yet).

Some people like to call it, “calling someone out,”  I like to call it holding someone else accountable for their action.  If something is hurting me emotionally or even physically, I’m going to tell the other person not to do that in order for the other person to understand what that action does:  it hurts me, therefore, telling them, hopefully will insure they won’t make the same mistake again, and then all could be understood. It’s not a judgement; it’s not anything other than holding the other person accountable for their actions and their behavior. 

On the other hand, if they don’t express themselves to the other person, and they hold on to the anger, the bitterness,  the insurmountable injustice of what is being done to them, what do you think the outcome will be when an argument begins? Something that happened weeks ago will become the most tantamount aspect of the argument, when all along, it should have been discussed at the time that it happened. That’s how we avoid. That’s how we avoid conflict…It all depends on the delivery. It also depends on the manner that is expressed;  but wouldn’t it be nice if someone, let’s say, scares you, they get great satisfaction out of it but you abhor it. The best thing to do is to say, “I’m sorry but I don’t like being scared because…” anybody who is decent will understand and say,  “I’m sorry, I won’t ever do that again,” because it’s the other person’s wish and if we don’t respect people that we are in relationships with, we are not in relationships! We are trying to manipulate and control somebody else.

I had said earlier, people are mirrors and for some reason if a person doesn’t like your kindness, it’s because they lack kindness themselves.  What if somebody accused you, whether it be cheating, lying, or losing something of value?  The accuser most likely has cheated or is cheating.  The same goes with the liar.  Why would you think I’m lying?But the fact that they think that you are says that they’re capable of doing it themselves.  And it’s usually the things that we don’t like about ourselves, we’ll do them anyway so if anybody is accusing you of cheating that person should really deal with their own fidelity issues.

Bottom line, if something bothers you when you’re in a relationship with someone you should be able to communicate your feelings to the other person without any kind of judgment–without any kind of taking it personally, and through the art of communicating and  understanding, that’s how relationships grow. That’s how relationships become strong.

My mother and father were married for 65 years. If they broke up over an argument oh, I don’t think they would have made it past their honeymoon!  One of the best stories that I remember growing up, I remember my mother and father arguing and at one point my mother called my father stupid.  Now my father’s side of the family is Polish, therefore, anything that was relatable to a Polish joke,  a pollock was considered less than another human being or wasn’t smart enough, we would take offense. My father was so hurt mother’s accusation, he walked right up to her and, oh my goodness what’s going to happen, he took his forefinger put it right up to his face in between his face and hers, and said, “if I’m stupid, then why did I marry you?”  He turned around and walked away and my mother was left there with her mouth gaping open and realized what a hurtful thing she had said.  Now, my mother who the alpha, but she had to follow him around for a couple of days before he could let it go.  Ultimately, they both talked, respected each other’s boundaries, and they survived.  Thank goodness.  But if the arguing continues to plague and torture the two parties, one has two choices:  keep playing the game, or stop the game dead in its tracks.

Sometimes you have to pull yourself away from the table when love is no longer being served.


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